Packing. Packing. Panicking. Re-Packing

 

So how exactly does one pack for 6 months living in a foreign country? I do not have this down to a science yet so I’m not entirely sure. But perhaps this post will be at least a little more coherent than last week’s post. Perhaps not. I am feeling rather frazzled every time I look at my packing.

This is not the first time that I have packed up my life in 2 suitcases and a carry-on bag to go live abroad. But this time is so much more different then when I lived in Ireland. Even though I have backpacked several times now and can easily live out of a backpack when I am traveling Europe, this is so much harder, despite having 2 full suitcases.

Part of my bags are reserved for the medical equipment and other supplies I am bringing for the trip that will serve as my equipment when I work with my patients. I have items that are typical for a nurse, like my stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, but then I have things like stress balls, mental health education materials, and basic medical supplies that I also need to take with me.

Another space in my suitcase is reserved for the typical supplies one needs when traveling. I have a few changes of clothing. Somehow less clothing then when I am backpacking, but I can do laundry easier (sort of) on this trip. And 3 sets of scrubs (again I will be washing certain things a lot more frequently). Clothing really shouldn’t take up a lot of room I have learned. You can always pay a local woman to sew you skirts and other items of clothing if needed.

Then another larger chunk of my suitcase is reserved for the things that are harder to find. Bug spray and sunscreen are not as common when I am traveling to, and they are expensive. I have texted others that have been to South Sudan where I am going. Making sure I am taking the right things and removing things I do not need. Bug spray must contain Deet, but over in the villages Deet isn’t common in bug spray. Sunscreen is very expensive to purchase. There are many things that I need to pack that I won’t necessarily be able to find when I am there. These take priority over clothing.

Then there are the things that I have changed out to make smarter packing choices. I am not bringing paperback books. Instead, I will rely on the downloads on my phone or laptop to read. My regular shampoo and conditioner were changed out for bar soap, shampoo, and conditioner. How many shoes do I bring? I am not a shoe person but I also don’t want to run out of usable shoes while I am there so is four too many or just enough (this includes shower shoes and a pair of sandals). So, on goes the internal debate of how much to pack.

The final portion of my packing consists of the creature comforts I would like to take along. These are items to make my place just a little nicer and a little more home-y for the days I am home-sick. So ideally, I want to take a set of sheets I really like and a pillow, plus a small bottle of vanilla sent that I like. Obviously, the pillow and sheets are larger but relatively light so I hope I can fit them but if not, then these will stay behind. Also, my photos of friends, family, and home will be coming too I hope.

I am not at all finished packing. More than being concerned with the room in my suitcases it comes down to the weight of the suitcases. Some of the flights I could just pay to have heavier bags but there comes a point where I will not have that option. I have to go with weight and if it is too heavy it cannot go.

I am sure over the next week I will pack, re-pack, weigh, and debate at least 3 more times before I figure out what is actually going. There will be more texts to those in my group that have done this before to figure out what I should be concerned about and what I shouldn’t worry about. And I will stare down my packing list so I know I have what I need. Inevitably I will forget something bit as long as that something is nothing urgent or life-affecting it will be fine. Until then I’m off to go stare at the piles of items in my room and figure out what goes and what stays.  

Magis!

With Christmas right around the corner I figured this was a good time to write about what role religion plays in my decision to serve overseas. I'm not someone who is going to wax on about religion so this post is going to be shorter. But I think its import to explore how religion does and does not play a role in my life and this journey.

So I am going with a Catholic organization. I did not pick CMMB because it was Catholic. It is a nice bonus but not a reason I chose it. Also, one of the things that drew me to this organization was that they do not push their religion on anyone. The other organization I applied to previously made me get a letter from a religious leader to even apply. 

So where religion does matter to me is that religion is very personal and my relationship with religion and God is personal. While that may seem both obvious and not very helpful in understanding my take on religion there's not a lot I want to share about my religious views. At least not in a post.

I am religious and I do have faith in God. I do believe he is guiding me on my journey. I hope my faith comes through as I serve and that it gives me strength on this trip. I do not want to push my beliefs on anyone but I am willing to talk to people about my believes when we are one-on-one. I trust my faith will guide and sustain me. 

So I will leave this post with one final bit from my favorite priest: Father Bucki "Go forth and set the world on fire". While he may no longer be on this earth he continues to be with me and the different conversations, and sermons he imparted have left a lasting impact that I will take with me. I know that he is out there is the universe guiding me and leading me. 

Oh the Books I Read

 

What does one do to prep for going and living abroad in a foreign country, so different from their own and so far from their own? I'm not entirely sure what other people do but I know what I did. As I have discussed before I talked with my friend about his country and his culture. These conversations have actually started long before I knew I was going there. However, just like talking to my friend I started reading about the culture and the country years ago. 

Above is the photo of some of the books that I have read or am in the process of reading about South Sudan. Most of them are non-fiction, with the exception of maybe 5. Most of them focus primarily on the history of the most recent civil war, particularly the Lost Boys. Most focus on the Dinka tribe in particular but not all of them. Most of the books are written by non-American authors, save a few. Several are about Africa as a whole or other countries in Africa. Others focus on living through war, being a soldier, surviving after a war, and life after a war.

So, let’s talk about a few of my favorite books. The first would be “What is the What”. This is not a traditional memoir as it was written by a professional author, one whom I really like, but the memoir pieces themselves come directly from the main protagonist who is himself a Lost Boy. The story was well written and pulled at my heart in many areas. I felt lots of various emotions reading this book. Another reason I loved this book was because Dominic was an actual character in the book. Getting to see a little of his life from another person’s perspective was pretty cool. I thoroughly enjoyed this book.

            Another favorite book of mine is “The Long Walk” which I read in undergrad. It is part of the reason I became a nurse and part of the reason I am interested in holistic nursing. Meeting the author and hearing his story impacted me a lot, and while this is a story about a US soldier returning from war there is some of it that I think will help me to understand what I might encounter and how mental health can be impacted by a post-war life and society.

            “Dead Aid” helped me understand more about aid work and how important the correct form of aid work is and how aid work can be both harmful and helpful. I hope to use what I learned in this book to guide how I approach my coming work to make sure I am not harming those I am trying to help. The book could be dry at points but the content seemed pretty important and I tried to take in as much as I could.

            “Running for My Life” hits close to home as the author spent the later part of his teen years living in the town next to mine. He went to the same church as I did. He and other Lost Boys ran track against my team. I remember watching them run track while I was on the throwing pitch. They were so fast. I didn’t know much of the story of the Lost Boys growing up but now I have more of an appreciation for what it might have been like for someone to come to the US thanks to this book and others like it.

               I could go on and on about each of these books. All of them have value to me and each one gave me more information and more of a perspective on what I will be encountering once I get to South Sudan. They give me a little more of the history, especially the more recent history, from those who actually lived it.  By no means did reading these books fully prepare me for what is to come but I hope that they give me a little more insight and a little more understanding of some of the things that I will encounter and the people I will be interacting with.

 

Meet Me in New York

As I start writing this post I am leaving New York City after an emotional (in a good way) few days. I headed down to CMMB headquarters in New York for orientation. On Sunday night, after texting with Leigh for several days, I opened the door to my hotel room and she said to me “You’re tiny.” This is how you know things are going to go well.
            For weeks each of us volunteers has seen each other through the computer screens as we met with Marcia and Joel and other CMMB employees. Each one with their own role in preparing us for each of out trips ahead. Now we were finally getting to meet in person. Leigh and I are two of the younger volunteers who are going to Africa. She to Kenya and myself to South Sudan. Both of us had arrived in NYC earlier and explored on our own and then planned to meet before dinner.
            Down in the common room on the first floor of the hotel we sat and got to know each other. It is almost like an instant friendship in these cases it seems. We share this common bond. With Leigh I feel another connection, as we are both young people starting our volunteer journey. We do not have the same career experience as others who are going. (I often worry that I will not be able to do enough for my patients since I am so young as a nurse or that somehow the work I am trying to do will do more harm then good).            
            Leigh and I got to chatting about our respective plans and our hopes for our volunteer experience. We shared stories and got to know each other better. Soon we were joined by two other volunteers, Carol and Pam. We all chatted and got to know each other before heading to dinner. Here we finally got to meet Joel and Marcia (Our fearless leaders), whom we had only seen via zoom calls. We also met with Helene, Bev, and a few others. We all spent time chatting and getting to know each other. It was a very nice evening.
            On Monday our time together was mostly orientation meetings and more long conversations with people who worked or volunteered in the field. It was full of information and was very interesting. There were so many people with different information and things to help us. There were many questions I wanted to ask. So much was covered in each of these sessions and through the long day. But it really made me feel as though I was actually prepared for this trip (or more prepared I guess). I also got to meet Debbie, another new volunteer, and Sarah, a return South Sudan volunteer I had been chatting with.
            It was amazing to hear so many stories and see so many pictures that people had. I felt like my emotions cycled throughout the day, through excitement, apprehension, a little anxiety, and a few others. However, I think mostly I am excited. Getting to talk with people, the new volunteers, returning volunteers, and other employees was so good. There is a strong sense of connection, family and friendship in this group. We all come from different places and with different backgrounds but the CMMB community created this almost instant bond.
            I was impressed with so many things on that first day. People are friendly and actually know who we are and have looked at the bios that are included in part of this program. The CEO came and sat with us and chatted for a while. She invited us to walk Tuesday morning (I overslept but I wish I had gone). People are more down to earth and approachable than I feel many other organizations are. And the fact that they are pushing their faith but create a safe space for us to share as much or as little about our faith as we want, was impressive to me.
            After a long and emotionally draining day I needed to stretch my legs. Leigh and I headed to Battery Park, over to the World Trade Center Memorial, into the underground mall there, and then (after running into Marcia and following her suggestion) down to pier 17 to check out the city sky line and the bridges. We managed to get in lots of walking. By the time we got back to the hotel it was late and I was tired.
            The next morning I ended up dragging myself out of bed. I packed my bag (with goodies CMMB gave me) and headed to breakfast. It was nice to sit and chat again with other volunteers and CMMB employees that were in town for their conference. After breakfast I wandered around more of the city and back to Pier 17 to stretch my legs before heading back to headquarters.
            Tuesday was a shorter day but no less emotional. We met with more people from CMMB. We also discussed what our intentions were for our time as volunteers. I struggle to put things into words. One would thing that since I have a degree in writing and love to write I would be good at speaking what I think and writing but it is something I struggle to do. I cannot eloquently say what my intentions are. I suppose at the end of the day God knows what is in my heart and why I am doing what I am doing so that is the most important part.
            We had our volunteer commitment ceremony. Leigh had to leave early and Sarah was not here today but the other volunteers were with us. I hate public speaking but we stood in the front of the room and discussed why we were there and I tried not to shake or cry. There were several points through the morning where it was emotional. Thankfully this week my emotions are better under control and therefore I was not in tears.
            The ceremony was short but meaningful. After we socialized with others from CMMB and enjoyed a yummy lunch. Then it was time to say goodbye. The time together with the other volunteers and Marcia and Joel was short. After exchanging hugs and best wishes and promises to keep in touch and be safe as we all start our adventures it was time to once more step solo back into New York. Thankfully our group chat is already full of photos and people chatting so we are connected even though we are no longer in the same room together.

Keep the Faith

 

This week seems both full of stress and full of hope. I have found myself crying more than one day driving away from work or while I am sitting in my room. Now, I am someone who cries more often than I would really like to admit to but I am also doing a lot of self reflection going into this journey. I know that I am anxious and nervous and feel off balance and I also know that this is one of the ways I tend to respond to situations like this. So I accept it. 

We finished up our virtual orientation this week. It was very good and the last session, on stress and resilience, was especially poignant for me this week. Next week we all meet in New York City to actually meet each other, learn more, and make some helpful connections (I’m sure I will post about that next week so more to come on that later on). The spiritual leader who conducted the session knew how to present on these topics and offered some helpful advice, which I hope to utilize now, and in the coming months. 

For now I am trying to both stay organized and give myself a plan of what I need to do before I leave while also taking things one day at a time to not feel so overwhelmed. I feel very unprepared, in so many ways, as to how to be an effective psychiatric nurse in South Sudan. I’m not sure what they will expect from me and I don’t know what I will be doing, in many ways, as this position is new and relatively fluid. There are so many unknowns and potential challenges and it can seem daunting. 

So since I am talking about stress first and foremost in this post let me talk about the things I am afraid of, because I am afraid and nervous about what I am doing and denying this would be foolish. Of course I am afraid of dying, or that I could be killed while I am over there. South Sudan is a level 4 (Do not travel) on the US state department site. Everything you read about South Sudan in regards to travel and aid work there is negative and frightening sounding. But I try to keep my faith that I will be safe and that this is what I am being called to do. 

Other things that scare me include: How much death I am going to see, other traumas I will witness, not being able to help the people I interact with, being inadequate when I get there, home-sickness, feeling isolated, and some other things. As a psychiatric nurse the number of my patients that have died is small, and even when I worked on the medical unit, I could count the number of patients I had that died on one hand. Now I know I will face more head-on and more frequently. There is so much that can be frightening and overwhelming. 

But that's when I remember why I am going and what my hopes are from this trip. I hope I will be able to educate people on mental health care and what mental health is. I hope that I can make a positive difference in the community, even in a small way, so that I can leave a positive impact in the world, even a small one. I hope to learn a lot while I am there. I hope my holistic and psychiatric nursing skills grow. I hope I learn to slow down and appreciate things in life more. I hope my faith grows stronger and my sense of self is better. 

 I hope to see and live in an environment I have read about, even if the tribal group in that area is not the same one my friends belong to. I hope I can make new friends and connections, and find another bit of the world to leave a piece of my heart in. I hope I come back to the US with a better world view. I hope I learn a lot and see a lot, even if it breaks my heart a little. I hope this time gives me better purpose and direction for where I want to go in my life and in my career. 

While I have many things that scare me I have more hopes and things that bring me a sense of peace and purpose as I start this journey. It is because of this and because of all that I hope to gain and give while I go that I am taking these steps. If the good outweighs the bad then everything will work out the way it should. I will keep the faith and take strength in
this as I face the challenges to come.