Coming Home

 "I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the planet." -Mary Anne Radmacher

Such true words. I have been back in the US for a few days now. I am overwhelmed and struggling to say the very least. So much has changed and somehow nothing has changed. It feels both as though I have not even been gone, or maybe I just took a 2 week trip because it went too fast, and as though I am missing another part of me. 

Sitting in Chicago's airport I am annoyed by the amount of white Americans (yes I realize I am one of them) but after being away from the loud white people for so long it is overwhelming. I found a mostly deserted hallway near my gate and had a 6 hour wait until the final leg of my flights home. I was excited to get coffee and a breakfast sandwich from DD, so I spent some time savoring that and being grateful for this treat. 

Coming home is hard. I find myself getting annoyed by things that would not have bothered me before. Americans are rude and self-centered at times. Americans put America first and our news is a big reflection of that. Now I understand that each country favor's themself but after weeks of listening to more global news it is a little more shocking to listen to how ego-centric things are here. 

Coming home is a weird form of isolation. I am surrounded by people, and no longer live alone. I have someone to share my meals with. I have people I can call on the phone, and spend time with, and I am grateful for that. But at home there aren't people who understand the world I was just living in and the world I left behind. Thankfully I can text my friends who have gone through similar experiences to discuss the struggles. 

I am glad to be home too. I have drinking water and I don't have to worry about running my toothbrush under water from the sink. I can get as much food as I want because there is endless access to food here. I have a big bed to sleep in and no need for a net over it. I easily went to the doctors and got all my testing done without issue (I'm starting to prepare for going back to work). I have reliable internet and phone access. 

I have to stop myself from falling back into some old habits. I am trying to embrace having less material things. I liked having less material things in South Sudan. It made many things easier. Sure there were things I would have liked to have, but there is something to be said about not having too many items and too many material possessions that weigh me down. I don't want to have as many material possessions, but that means I have to remind myself that I don't need to buy something I like just because I can.

I think over the next few weeks I will go through a series of emotions about being home. I desperately miss my friend Taban and spending time with him. After being with him almost every day while I was away, especially that last month, not sharing dinner together or talking about the different cultures and tribes in South Sudan, it is weird. I miss the kindness and joy of the people in South Sudan. I miss some of the food. I miss the slow pace of life in many ways. 

I truly am not the same having seen life on the other side of the world. A part of my heart is left in South Sudan and a part of my heart is here. But I have left other bits of my heart in other areas of the world too before. This time is just a little different and for me a little sadder and a little harder. I hope to keep some of the things I learned and saw and experienced with me as I transition back to life here. I am forever grateful for what I have seen and done and what I have learned.