Keep the Faith

 

This week seems both full of stress and full of hope. I have found myself crying more than one day driving away from work or while I am sitting in my room. Now, I am someone who cries more often than I would really like to admit to but I am also doing a lot of self reflection going into this journey. I know that I am anxious and nervous and feel off balance and I also know that this is one of the ways I tend to respond to situations like this. So I accept it. 

We finished up our virtual orientation this week. It was very good and the last session, on stress and resilience, was especially poignant for me this week. Next week we all meet in New York City to actually meet each other, learn more, and make some helpful connections (I’m sure I will post about that next week so more to come on that later on). The spiritual leader who conducted the session knew how to present on these topics and offered some helpful advice, which I hope to utilize now, and in the coming months. 

For now I am trying to both stay organized and give myself a plan of what I need to do before I leave while also taking things one day at a time to not feel so overwhelmed. I feel very unprepared, in so many ways, as to how to be an effective psychiatric nurse in South Sudan. I’m not sure what they will expect from me and I don’t know what I will be doing, in many ways, as this position is new and relatively fluid. There are so many unknowns and potential challenges and it can seem daunting. 

So since I am talking about stress first and foremost in this post let me talk about the things I am afraid of, because I am afraid and nervous about what I am doing and denying this would be foolish. Of course I am afraid of dying, or that I could be killed while I am over there. South Sudan is a level 4 (Do not travel) on the US state department site. Everything you read about South Sudan in regards to travel and aid work there is negative and frightening sounding. But I try to keep my faith that I will be safe and that this is what I am being called to do. 

Other things that scare me include: How much death I am going to see, other traumas I will witness, not being able to help the people I interact with, being inadequate when I get there, home-sickness, feeling isolated, and some other things. As a psychiatric nurse the number of my patients that have died is small, and even when I worked on the medical unit, I could count the number of patients I had that died on one hand. Now I know I will face more head-on and more frequently. There is so much that can be frightening and overwhelming. 

But that's when I remember why I am going and what my hopes are from this trip. I hope I will be able to educate people on mental health care and what mental health is. I hope that I can make a positive difference in the community, even in a small way, so that I can leave a positive impact in the world, even a small one. I hope to learn a lot while I am there. I hope my holistic and psychiatric nursing skills grow. I hope I learn to slow down and appreciate things in life more. I hope my faith grows stronger and my sense of self is better. 

 I hope to see and live in an environment I have read about, even if the tribal group in that area is not the same one my friends belong to. I hope I can make new friends and connections, and find another bit of the world to leave a piece of my heart in. I hope I come back to the US with a better world view. I hope I learn a lot and see a lot, even if it breaks my heart a little. I hope this time gives me better purpose and direction for where I want to go in my life and in my career. 

While I have many things that scare me I have more hopes and things that bring me a sense of peace and purpose as I start this journey. It is because of this and because of all that I hope to gain and give while I go that I am taking these steps. If the good outweighs the bad then everything will work out the way it should. I will keep the faith and take strength in
this as I face the challenges to come.