Reflecting before take-off

 

Oh boy, so this week is certainly full of emotions. Maybe slightly less crying than the roller-coaster of emotions I felt at the end of November and start of December but there are still tears and there are a lot of various emotions. I am excited and anxious and nervous, and apprehensive, and happy. And about 20 other emotions fluctuating all over the place. I am spending part of this week enjoying some of my favorite food, doing some of my favorite activities, and being with my friends and family. 

 

My bags are packed, at least I think they are. But when the next round of panicking sets in I will probably at least unpack and repack my carryon again. I expected some of these emotions. Many are similar to what I feel when I do a backpacking experience or trip abroad. Some of them are familiar to when I moved to Ireland. But a few are new. I have never been to a country where in some regards I will be very isolated from everything I know. Access to things that are so basic in my daily life now are limited.

 

In the beginning of the week, I did my security briefing and health briefing and that was certainly intimidating. I keep having to remind myself that the information I have been given is nothing new. I knew it all before the phone calls. I am just hearing it again. And my organization knows what they are doing. From there I have to keep my wits about me and be smart.

 

So now that I am through the briefing and had my last day at work (I quit my job and have nothing lined up for when I return so for good or for bad, I am really committed), it is time to do some self-reflection. As I pack my bags again, I have to remind myself why I am going and remind myself what the most important things are. Maybe it means leaving the extra comfort item I was taking along with me to bring something that is more useful to the patients I am serving.

 

I have to remind myself that while I know some stuff about the country and the culture, I need to take a step back and make sure I am allowing myself to learn more and change what I might have learned for new information. I want to be effective and helpful when I get to South Sudan. I know the first few weeks will be more of my learning and settling in and finding how my role will fit with the people, but I want to feel at least a little like I can respectfully and appropriately interact within the culture.

 

I don't know how I will feel when I get there. I know I am nervous about how hot it is. 97*!! I am a snow and cold person, and I picked a hot country to visit. But I had my reasons. And I am already missing home, despite still being in my own bed at night and with my family. I am trying to spend as much time with people I care about as possible, but I cannot see everyone before I leave.

 

And I'm nervous about leaving. What if I get sick? What if something happens to me? How will I change while I'm gone? How will my home change while I'm gone? Again, I have travelled enough to have some of the answers already in my head but that doesn't stop the questions from rolling around my brain when I'm not otherwise occupied. I wonder too if this is what soldiers feel before they deploy. I've never asked my friends who are or were in the military but I would expect that they have some of the same thoughts, even though the situations are different.

 

When I get this overwhelmed, I try and take a step back and remember the reasons why I am going. As I hugged my ex goodbye, he is one of the few people outside my family and immediate friend group who know where I am going, I am reminded of why I made the decision to seek out South Sudan as my place to serve. We have talked a little about what I am doing and the conditions in the country now. He is a source of support for me and a reminder of why I want to help.

 

And my other friends from South Sudan are too. Though not all of them know I am going, I try and listen when they talk about different things they see and hear about in their home country. I know several of my friends will one day go back to South Sudan. If not to live, then at least to visit, and I hope things get better there. I want to see the country succeed and grow. I have met so many wonderful people from there I don't want to see their homes and families further hurt.

 

This mission trip is bigger than me. It is bigger than my friends too. It is about so much more than what I am posting about but I am hopeful that I can look back on this and remember these things, these experiences, in the days, weeks, and months to come. I cannot wait to see so many new things and I am looking forward to learning a lot too. My books can only prepare me so much. I hope I can be an effective nurse and educator while I am there.

 

I want to do what I can to help the people of South Sudan find their strength and their knowledge to build up their land. No one person can do this alone. We all have to rely on others to grow and improve. I hope they can teach me, and I can teach them and together we can create a better future for South Sudan. This is my goal. And at the end of it all I will hold on to the hope and the dream for a brighter, healthier, happier future for the people of South Sudan.