A Plague of Questions

My daily reminder for how lucky I am comes in the form of the cold shower I take each evening to scrub the dust, sweat, bug spray, and other daily acquisitions from my body. Sure I would like hot water, or at least warm water, but I have running water. I have a shower. I have a full bathroom with a toilet with water. A sink. I have a kitchen. A nice bed and mosquito netting. A TV with cable, access to WiFi, a nice desk, locker, areas to hang clothing, watercooler, veranda to sit out on and read. I have an air conditioner. Best of all I have a safe place to sleep at night and to walk around during the day. I have so much. Yet a still lack so many of the things I had at home.

And when I step under the cold water I curse the shower. Why is there not hot water? Why does the hot water heater not seem to work. Why did I find another lizard in my room when I got home. Thankfully it’s not a snake. I think I would pack my bags then. Why did they not change the battery in the smoke alarm when they installed the new timed lights in all the rooms?  I get to hear the chirp if the dying battery all night.

After I let out that curse and start to scrub I realize how lucky I am. I am choosing to be here. I chose to live like this. Each of these small annoyances are really, really minor. I am so fortunate. But the stark reality of where I come from and where I am living comes out clearly in these moments.

Many of my colleagues are not as lucky as I am. The people I am serving are not as lucky as I am. And every day when they pick me up to take me to work in one of the company vehicles I feel weird. I am used to driving myself. Here I am like a toddler. I rely on drivers to go anywhere. I have people who take care of me. I am constantly told I am a guest and a VIP, getting to use special bathrooms and getting the better seat in the car.

Why am I so fortunate? Do these people think I am fragile that they give all of the nicest things? Do I seem like I am ungrateful for what I do have? Do they think I am high minded or pretentious? What do they think of me? Why does it feel like everyone looks at me when I walk through the work compound? I know I am the only white person here so is this what it feels like back home for many black people? Various thoughts float through my mind throughout the day and as I reflect after coming home at night.

Is this culture shock? Is this a feeling of white superiority? What emotions do I have plaguing me? What thoughts do I need to correct? What feelings do I need to explore further? So many questions. And as I turn off the shower and towel off I am met with more questions and very few answers. Maybe tomorrow will reveal more. More questions and more answers.