Coming Home

 "I am not the same having seen the moon shine on the other side of the planet." -Mary Anne Radmacher

Such true words. I have been back in the US for a few days now. I am overwhelmed and struggling to say the very least. So much has changed and somehow nothing has changed. It feels both as though I have not even been gone, or maybe I just took a 2 week trip because it went too fast, and as though I am missing another part of me. 

Sitting in Chicago's airport I am annoyed by the amount of white Americans (yes I realize I am one of them) but after being away from the loud white people for so long it is overwhelming. I found a mostly deserted hallway near my gate and had a 6 hour wait until the final leg of my flights home. I was excited to get coffee and a breakfast sandwich from DD, so I spent some time savoring that and being grateful for this treat. 

Coming home is hard. I find myself getting annoyed by things that would not have bothered me before. Americans are rude and self-centered at times. Americans put America first and our news is a big reflection of that. Now I understand that each country favor's themself but after weeks of listening to more global news it is a little more shocking to listen to how ego-centric things are here. 

Coming home is a weird form of isolation. I am surrounded by people, and no longer live alone. I have someone to share my meals with. I have people I can call on the phone, and spend time with, and I am grateful for that. But at home there aren't people who understand the world I was just living in and the world I left behind. Thankfully I can text my friends who have gone through similar experiences to discuss the struggles. 

I am glad to be home too. I have drinking water and I don't have to worry about running my toothbrush under water from the sink. I can get as much food as I want because there is endless access to food here. I have a big bed to sleep in and no need for a net over it. I easily went to the doctors and got all my testing done without issue (I'm starting to prepare for going back to work). I have reliable internet and phone access. 

I have to stop myself from falling back into some old habits. I am trying to embrace having less material things. I liked having less material things in South Sudan. It made many things easier. Sure there were things I would have liked to have, but there is something to be said about not having too many items and too many material possessions that weigh me down. I don't want to have as many material possessions, but that means I have to remind myself that I don't need to buy something I like just because I can.

I think over the next few weeks I will go through a series of emotions about being home. I desperately miss my friend Taban and spending time with him. After being with him almost every day while I was away, especially that last month, not sharing dinner together or talking about the different cultures and tribes in South Sudan, it is weird. I miss the kindness and joy of the people in South Sudan. I miss some of the food. I miss the slow pace of life in many ways. 

I truly am not the same having seen life on the other side of the world. A part of my heart is left in South Sudan and a part of my heart is here. But I have left other bits of my heart in other areas of the world too before. This time is just a little different and for me a little sadder and a little harder. I hope to keep some of the things I learned and saw and experienced with me as I transition back to life here. I am forever grateful for what I have seen and done and what I have learned.

Changes

I don't think it is possible for me to have not changed on my trip to South Sudan. As my days begin to tick down to 0, I have been reflecting on how I have changed over the past 5+ months. I think I have changed, but at times it is hard to see how I have changed.

I think the biggest way that I have changed is how I look at the word. Living in South Sudan has put a lot of different things into perspective. Certainly, it has given me a new view on what poverty looks like in a developing country. Things that mattered to me in the US don't matter to me here.

So many of the societal issues are created because of the materialistic nature of the Western World. Here people get by with so little but know how to find happiness without so many materialistic things. The community and sense of connection to each other is something I have never seen in the US. Certainly, communities can be close, and we see Hallmark movies that depict towns rallying around each other and carrying for each other, but the reality is the US tends to be mostly self-centered.

You learn that many of the things you think are huge problems in the US are really rather trivial. We spend too much time worrying about things that are rather insignificant. I suppose that is a luxury of being in a developed nation like the US. But I am still awed and humbled by the struggles that the people here face and the grace with which they shoulder the challenges and burdens.

I look at money in a much different light now. I have never been one to spend money without considering the costs long-term. But here you really have to think about how you spend money and what is most important to spend money on. $200 USD here may send a child to school for an entire term, and that is not just one of the community schools, but a decent school. I take a pause when I spend money more so now and acknowledge why I am spending the money and what I am truly getting out of it.

I certainly learned you can live without a lot of the things that you think you can't be without in the US. I gave away many of the things I came over with, and didn't end up using quite of few of the things I brought with me. Despite the fact that I am going home with 2 bags still they are full of things like new clothes (I did spend money getting some fun dresses here) and some gifts (one's I was given and ones I have for others), I didn't keep a lot of what I came over with and I am okay with that.

I did not need a lot. I can get by without a lot of things. There were a few things I would have liked to have brought with me that if I come back, I would bring. But if I come back, I think I would focus on being able to bring things for others, rather than on what I need, because access to even things like a book, are so much more limited here.

Overall, you also take a good long look at being wasteful. Trying to make sure you are not wasting a single thing is huge. I felt immense guilt if I couldn’t finish a meal or food went bad (learning to live without refrigeration was a challenge). In the medical facilities supplies are so limited that I had to learn how they did without basics like gloves, tape, or even electricity. It puts in perspective just how wasteful we are in the US.

As I ate my last meal in Juba, before I went to the airport, I marveled at the fact that I think nothing of eating at a place with a dirt floor, with probably questionable hygiene standards. I eat more freely with my hands here, which is very normal way to eat meals. I actually like eating with my hands a lot. It is a different experience. Also, meals tend to be more communal and we share plates with friends here. I like that.

Maybe some of the ways that I have changed will be more subtle than others. I'm not done changing or adjusting either. I am pretty sure I will continue to change as I come back home to the US. But I hope I have changed, and I hope I can take some of the things that I have learned and integrate them into my life back in the US. Maybe not everyone will like the way I view the world now or the ways I have changed, but as a member of the global community I think it is important to change and get outside all the comforts of life in the US. 

 

Last Work Update

So, here's another work update. Most days for the past few weeks I feel like I am slammed with things to do. I am working more than 40 hours a week trying to get things done. There are a lot of little things that need to get done, and a few major projects to finish before I am ready to head back to the US.

Since the opening of the clinic, or maybe the week before that, I feel like things picked up pace a lot. I felt like I was running around a lot trying to get things accomplished. Compared to when I started here it was a lot busier. Yet I still have those moments of rest and down-time in the office when I have nothing left to do in that particular moment, or I am waiting on someone or something, to move forward.

I still have not adjusted to some of the more different ways things are done here. Meetings that do not start on time, or end on time, or simply run on for hours without accomplishing their intended objectives still annoy me. The formality of certain meetings is confusing as well. There are things that simply make no sense to me and even though people have tried to explain why they happen I don't fully comprehend the rationale behind them.

My last few weeks of work were very busy. There were so many things that I wanted to get done and not a lot of time to get things done. But I also had to be practical with my plans. I made a list of my priorities and what was most realistic to get done. From there I did my best.

One of my major concerns was the clinic. This is one my favorite project that I have worked on during my time here. It is a big accomplishment I believe and I am also concerned that it might not last when I leave. So, for the past few weeks I have been working on transitioning two of the people I trained to be the primary people running the clinic. When I left Nzara, I told Dr. Maad to look after "my baby" and I think he will.

Another project that was very important to me was finally getting together with the community leaders and religious leaders from Yambio. I met with them and spent 3 hours talking to them about different mental health issues. They asked different questions and talked about different problems the community faces. We also managed to discuss some maternal health stuff as well.

I finalized my education with the staff members. The last staff education was with the leadership team where we discussed stress management in the office. There is a lot of stress in the office and a lot of challenges that the staff face so it was important to me that we discuss those issues. The session was well attended and seemed well received so now I just hope that they are able to implement some of the suggestions that I recommended.

I finished my education with the maternity units, focusing on their role in maternal mental health. There are a lot of different things we could focus on but I tried to discuss things that were most relevant to them, like post-partum depression and psychosis. These are things they deal with every day. Each session the staff were engaged and asked lots of questions, which I like. The maternity unit has several really smart staff that I hope will be able to more successfully work with the patients who are also struggling with mental health.

I had lots of other projects and lots of busy days. It was good to be that busy and to finally have projects that I could focus on. When I first got here, I wrote about how much I was struggling to find work. Now, as I prepare to leave, I have lots of work. But I wrapped up my main projects, made ideas for future projects and some plans. I am in a good place with my work and happy with what I have done here.

See You Later Yambio

It is not goodbye but see you later. Somehow even though I am saying that and I do mean that, it is still very hard to leave. I am ready to leave, but it is still so hard to go.

On Monday I left Yambio. Over the previous weekend I left Nzara. The reality is that I don't know if I will ever come back to these places. I would love to, but the reality can be much different, so I know that as I tell people “See you later" I don't know if or when I will. And I felt sad. I have hope I will see a few of those people again, but for most I am just not sure.

One thing that nearly put me in tears was a phone call from Veronica, who told me some of the women stopped by with gifts to say thank you to me for the work I have done with them. I am so very grateful for them and their desire to work with me. They gifted me a few lovely pieces, including a traditional hat, bowl, 2 bags, beads, and pineapples. I had to buy a bag to carry it all. I am so grateful for them.

At the airport (a giant open field where we took shelter from the sun under the mango trees at the edge) we waited for over an hour for the plane. I waited with Taban, sharing last minute talks on so many different things. I felt composed for most of our talk. We laughed and joked, but as the time ticked by too quickly, we knew it was close to time to say goodbye.

Justin, one of the other guys from the office, and Susan, who works with me and Veronica, were waiting under another mango tree with Veronica chatting. Taban and I joined them and we all chatted while the plane landed and then unloaded. As soon as I saw the plane coming in more tears started. I tried in vain to not cry, but lots of tears came.

Hugs and last-minute words were exchanged and then Veronica and I boarded the plane for Juba. As the plane started to climb up in the air, I watched Yambio get smaller and cried some more. I pray I see some of these people again. I have loved many of the moments I have had in WES. I continued with tears on-and-off throughout the short flight.

In Juba I spend the day in my hotel. I had some projects to do. As part of saying goodbye, I need to finalize my projects. Then came some phone calls from my friends back in Yambio and the tears came again. On-and-off thinking of them and thinking of all the good and bad times over the last few months. I am blessed for the experiences I have had.

Environmental Impacts

I took a very brief visit to the Equatoria Teak Company in Nzara. I have heard so much about them since before even coming to South Sudan so I took advantage of my last weekend in Yambio to go down to Nzara to see the organization. One of the other volunteers here has gone to visit them a few times and said amazing things.

So, I managed to get a car for today and headed down to Nzara. My partner volunteer in Nzara and her family tagged along and we all went to the Teak Company. It was amazing. The way they are organized and are using the environment and community to build up both the company and country is pretty impressive.

They are regrowing teak trees after harvesting them over the years. They have kilometers of land dedicated to the regrowth of the trees. When they harvested them, they did it so that each tree they cut, they planted another. Now they are waiting for the trees to mature so they can harvest them again and use them.

The teak was processed in their plant right there and used locally at times. Most of the time, however, the trees were shipped out. Teak is relatively cheap in South Sudan but elsewhere, like the US, it is extremely expensive, so by selling it abroad they can bring in money to the country and community, while also working to not harm the environment, by using sustainable practices.

Teak trees take 25 years to reach maturity to be usable. So, since they have utilized the trees that were mature over the years and are waiting for their trees to be ready to harvest again. In the time being they are trying to use the land and help the community, while continuing to make money. So, I got to check out the newest project as well when I was there.

They are growing coffee. I have never seen a coffee plant in person so it was very cool to see one there. They are not very tall but they are so interesting looking. The worker we were with showed us how to tell a bean was ready and how the plant grew. He told us about how they dry and roast the beans and what they do with them.

The whole process is interesting, but my favorite part was that they have given some of the plants to the community. They have this process where they hope that farms in the community can grow them too and then sell them back to the company to roast. The process will bring money to the community directly, provide jobs, and should prove sustainable for all involved.

I asked lots of questions and loved wandering around the Teak Company. I am so glad that I was able to get there before I had to leave. I truly thing that the organization is doing good thing, farming sustainably and helping the community.

However, while I see the positives here and the good things that are happening for the environment, I also see that Climate Change is real and has affected things here. In the northern part of the country there is massive flooding where there was little or no flooding before. In WES, rain season is later and is different than it was 20 years ago. Other areas of the state struggle to get food crops to grow, where previously they had many crops.

The soil in WES is pretty good for agriculture but they rely on the seasons and the predictability of them (since many people don't have a calendar) to grow crops. With the changes that brings more hardships. This year it is predicted that South Sudan will face one of their worst hunger issues with lack of food being able to be grown. Now with the war in Sudan and rising inflation in the country things are getting harder and harder and the people have begun to struggle more.

NGOs are working hard to try and help by providing nutrition supplies, teaching agriculture skills, and other activities but there is still so much need. Other groups are helping too, like the Teak Company, by providing a potential job to the different communities, and providing jobs on their own lands for cultivating and growing there. Still people will suffer and it can be hard to see the hope at times.

Here it is also hard to teach people about Climate Change and how they can help prevent some environmental damage. Trash is almost exclusively burned to get rid of the waste. It is not uncommon to walk down the street and see burning piles of trash, smell burning rubber, or see the billowing smoke from a trash fire. There is simply no disposal system in most places, so what is not reused is burned. There are piles of trash almost everywhere you go.

Additionally, most places use generators to run. Even big organizations, like the UN, rely on generators to provide electricity to their facilities. The hospital I worked at, St. Theresa's, was finally able to install enough solar panels to get away from relying on generators to provide electricity to their facility. However, it is important to realize that the hospital does not take as much electricity as one in the US, because they have relatively few machines that rely on the electricity in comparison to a Western facility, or even a doctor's office.

So, most places rely on petrol, oil, and generators to run. Individual homes, if they want electricity, usually use solar panels, to get power. This is a blessing. Here solar panels are not looked down on in the negative light that we often view them in the US. They are a blessing if you can get one and utilize it. This means there is a weird mix of individuals relying on environmentally friendly means of electricity, and bigger organizations using the environmentally damaging tools.

Now, as I am preparing to leave, they are working on changing how places can get electricity and slowly power lines, which I hope will change the way they get power, are being installed. There is plenty of land where solar could be built and then supplied to the country but the infrastructure is slow to come. However, bit by bit, I think things may get better. But it will take time and habits to change.

When I have flown over South Sudan, I have marveled at how much land and potential is there. The people just need access to the infrastructure to build themselves up. With the support of NGOs and other groups they are able to do some of that. The road ahead for them is tough and the impact of Climate Change on them is real, but I have hope for them. However, there will be many hard times ahead that they will first have to get through, after already suffering so much.

I am grateful to have gone to the Teak Company to see their impact and see the good. It is wonderful to see the positive potential in the community, especially in real-time. I hope their work and others continue, so these communities grow.

Praying with a Friend

 

"Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh." -Luke 6:20-21 (NIV)

As I share another meal with my friend Taban I again marvel at how his faith is so strong and ever present, when his life has been so hard. We start each meal with a prayer, simple but powerful:

“Heavenly father we thank you for the gift of this food that you have provided us. We pray that you bless this food. And provide to those who are not able to get, as you sanctify this in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.”

I love this prayer. Sometimes I say the prayer I grew up saying, in my Catholic family. But I like when we say his prayer together. There is something humbling, awe inspiring, and just beautiful praying with my friends here.

It is not uncommon for people to begin meals here with a prayer. So many people pray over their food. They give thanks for what they have and for those they share the meal with. It doesn't matter if we are part of a religious service or simply together sharing a meal. We pray.

But it doesn't feel forced. It feels like a natural part of any given thing we are doing. Religion is such a huge part of many people's lives and it is amazing. People who don't have enough food or other things to do well day to day, somehow manage to be immensely grateful and prayerful. It is truly amazing to be a part of.

The beatitudes seem to apply to the people here. They have so little but believe that their reward will be great. Their faith is very strong. Every Sunday the church is packed with people, hundreds of people.

I think you need to have some kind of faith being here. It helps get through all of the challenging times and the days that seem so overwhelming. Faith can bring you closer to the community and to the people around you here.

Faith has kept me going on hard days, guided me during rough times, and given me a purpose at times here. Faith has been the reason I was able to bond with certain people. But I also hope that I have learned a thing or two about faith during my time in South Sudan. I am grateful for those that have talked to me of religion and faith along the way.

"Commit to the lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

Women's Group

 

Perhaps one of my favorite parts of my volunteer experience is working with the women's group in Yambio. There are several different ones but I have just been working with one group. I have met with them a few times over the months and every time things seem very positive.

I know I have written about this group before but let me explain them a little more. This is a group of maybe 40 women who started this group all on their own as a way to support each other. The women meet once a week. While I do not know all of what their group does, they do help pool money so certain people from the group can start a small business and then pay them back. It seems to work very well.

They meet and discuss different topics every week. They pray together, share tea, and talk together. There is a wide range of ages, some girls seem like they are at the later side of being teenagers and other women are in their 50s or older. Most are mothers. Some who have nursing babies bring them along to the meetings. Some women are married and some are not. Some work and some do not. There is a variety of different women in the group.

On Saturday we arranged for them to have a special meeting with us at the CMMB office. We held a longer meeting than they normally have but we told them it would be. I worked with a few other people from the office and 3 topics were prepared: maternity care, finances, and, of course, mental health. We each had an hour to present and discuss our topics.

I didn't expect as many women to come as did. About 35 women came. A few medical professionals from the state hospital also came by and joined the discussion. It was good to have so many people actively a part of the presentation and talks.

I presented on my topic first. Since I have already talked mental health a few times my part of the discussion was more of a conversation. The women asked questions and raised concerns and we talked through different issues. Of course, I do not have solutions for many of their challenges but as a group we discussed ideas and referred a few for specific mental health care. Topics were discussed in Arabic and Zande, as well as English.

Some of the challenges the women face are not so different from the ones that women experience in the US. We discussed what to do when adolescent children are defiant and don't want to listen to their parents. We ask discussed relationship challenges. However, they also have those more complex challenges, especially when it comes to abuse in relationships and that women are seen more as property and less as human by some people here.

Even though these women face a lot of challenges and hardship their group gives me a lot of hope. I believe groups like this are a fantastic support system for the women. They present a great opportunity for women to learn from each other. I am so happy that I got this chance and hope that more opportunities to educate these groups continue.