3 Parts in 1

         Life here is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, especially as a volunteer and as an expat. I feel like I live in 3 separate worlds that clash is very weird ways. Sometimes that makes life here challenging, or at least mentally draining. I have the old me, the person I innately am, the person who is an expat, living in a very specific NGO community here, and then there is the part of me that is a volunteer working out in the community, interacting with the community in a very raw way.

There is the part of me that is innately an American female, with my education background, travel history, and other specific parts of my being and history. The part of me that grew up in the US, went to school there, and has lived there for the majority of my life. That is a big part of me. So, this part includes many of the views and beliefs I came in with. This is the person I was before I got here.

This part is the part of me that is learning and changing in this new environment. You have to adapt living here. There are many growing pains, learning that things I am so used to in the US, things that you wouldn't even think about in the US, are not a part of society here. There are such intrinsic parts of society in the western world that are not present here and when I run headlong into one of those things, I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation I am in.       

Of course, I will change living here. I expected that much before I left. If I was not willing to change and adapt then this was not the place for me to visit. So, I have started to change and adapt. It is part survival and part learning. The world here is so much different than the world I come from. So that innate part of me is being challenged and changed.

Then there is the part of me that is living as an expat among other NGO workers. The NGO community is a weird, sort of wonderful, sometimes harsh community to be in. There are different personalities that are in the community. I don't know where mine fits in, or if in some ways it doesn't, as unlike most other people here that I interact with, I am a volunteer and they are employed by their NGO. I am in healthcare and they are not.

It is a weird interaction with the other NGOs living in my compound. Sometimes it is absolutely fantastic. I have those that I have befriended who hang out as a group on the weekend. They are fun to just sit and chat with and learn more about the different communities and countries they are from and the work they are doing here. I am learning a lot from them. I am getting ideas for potential future projects and trips I could take. The other NGO workers teach me a lot.

But there is also the challenge because among all of the different people that I have met in the compound, I am the only volunteer living there, and I am the only healthcare worker. So, there are days when I want to talk about my experiences and I cannot talk with anyone there. I know of one other healthcare volunteer and she does not live in Yambio and it is hard for me to connect with her at times to talk about what I am experiencing. Plus, as the only mental health specialist in W.E.S. I have no one here to talk about my challenges with. It can be lonely, as much as a community.

Finally, there is the part of me that is the person interacting in the community. It can be on my walks to lunch or to the office, or during my work, and other interactions moving amongst the community, I am here because I want to give to the community and learn to be within it. But I cannot give money or food to every person who asks for it. And it can be challenging to decide if you should give someone something. You want to help but the help should be sustainable, and I cannot give money or food every day to everyone. But you want to help. Or I do. I am trying to. But there is only so much I can do. And it breaks my heart at times to not be able to do more.

But then there are the times where I am able to try and help someone. There are the days that I can see progress in the work I am trying to do. There are the subtle signs of change and growth and I can see the impact that I can have. This is such an incredible feeling. I am on an island alone in most of my work. There are people around who support my work and who I am training and working with, but I am the only identified mental health provider in this state. It is a daunting feeling.

Life here is an emotional rollercoaster. There are days where things seem so positive and the potential for good things and a better future is powerful. Then there are the days where I feel defeated and hopeless. There are the moments where I breakdown and cry. Then the moments where my face hurts from how much I am smiling. There are the bits of me that are challenged by the "norms" of Western life that just don't exist here.

Life is what we choose and what we make of it. If nothing else, being here has shown me that there are many ways to live life and that you can change how you live and think. Maybe it doesn't have to be a profound change or a profound thing but subtle and little ways that you can change. What things do I truly? What are my priorities in life really? What do I want my future to look like?

I have no answers. I have lots of questions. As I keep moving forward it is time to make some choices, probably some changes, but I will keep seeking answers, asking questions, and challenging myself. And the 3 different parts of my life will continue to challenge me to grow and change and seek more.